Mother Hood of Confessions

Some days, I just do not want to be bothered. At all.

I want to...
Sleep in, then QUIET breakfast with a slow cup of coffee and an uninterrupted crossword. A lazy bath and time with the hubby. A day without anybody needing or wanting something from me. And a night at a posh restaurant and then dancing and drinks.

I love my life. But some days I feel so chipped away. The house is not remotely clean, the baby's not satisfied, the toddler is a drunk monkey with a default, repeating vocab of "no" and "mine". And I just want to sit and eat my egg hot, for chrissakesssssssss.

THEY GET UP AT 5:58 am, 6:07 IF YOU ARE LUCKY. (after waking up at 2:30 and 4:30) and then they want things from you. All day long!!!

I am in the "this too shall pass" zone right now. Trying so so hard (but still not hard enough) not to loose my temper, my manners, or my mind.

I thought I was a nice, peaceful person. I think I was just trained well.
But these buttons found/created by my children are fresh and raw. Worn out. Worn thin.
I have noticed I am a better mom when other people are around. So there must be hope that I can remain a civilized person in the face of great tyranny. Just need to feel someone is watching. Maybe I'll get a nanny cam.

trancy dancin'

I will be participating in a "trance dance" in a couple of weeks. Blindfolded, dancing mania to let the ego take a break and spirit step in.
This sounds even to me corny and "new age"- recognizable by the bunny ears for certain. But it is an experience, where something might actually happen! Oh, delightful deliverance from the monotony of scripted life. I am to have an intention for my dance to trance. So I decided I will be letting go of regrets for all the dances I might have missed because I was too scared.

poem

You hold that memory
like candy
getting sticky
in your hand
You want to wait
You want to relish
Je mehr desto weniger
the more
the less
it seems

What I think I might know

1. Biblical Literalism is an awesome opportunity for comedy. Check out Why Can't I Own a Canadian for proof.

2. Moral Relativism, although sexy and freeing, makes me a bit nauseous-- like moocher hippy boys who really just want in your pants and a hit off the pipe. I like this overview of the problem from Wesley Owen
"What's the difference between a relativist and a person who admits she has no morality at all? There seems to be none. How does a relativist make a moral decision? He decides for himself whatever he thinks is best. How does someone with no morality know how to act? She decides for herself whatever she thinks is best. "

3. I have a "God-Shaped Hole" in my heart. I know it is irrational, but that doesn't bother me one bit.

4. I am not interested in debating atheism. People get very bent out of shape when defending their right to think they know it all. Check out my little video on youtube.