There is too much, it is never done. I am never enough.
It does not suit my personality to work hard at something, and not feel like an "A" student. I am not a bad parent, but I am not great.
I feel terribly alone and desperate for my self. My fantasy day right now is not getting out of bed, all day all night.
No parent is ever enough for their child. No parent ever gets is just right.
I feel myself being broken, just ever so slightly. Like at work when I hit my head with the same bureaucratic baloney brick. Eventually you will break, you will bend. The brick does not.
My eldest has an exceptional memory. This concerns me- does he have to remember my temper tantrum and hypocrisy?
I have very little room to criticize any parent. Moral high ground is rare real estate.
How they can want even more of me?!!!!! Why are they complaining, again?!! whhhiiiiiiiiiiinng sucks!
So loud. SO LOUD! SHHHHHHHHH!! I am screaming "shush", what the hell is wrong with me?
Please please please let this get easier.
Is it this hard for everyone? Am I being a big goddamn baby?
Sometimes feel as if I am walking uphill endlessly. Oh- I think I am whining. Damn, am I to blame for that to? Wanna understand karma? Have kids. Instant mirror of your worst behaviors. Awesome.
To the kids it must appear as if I just suddenly blow up or break down. To me it is a container bursting, a knife's pressure that finally breaks through skin. Too much of this, not enough of that until there is no more. No buffer, no patience, no bend. Just break.
I feel obligated here to reassure you that I love my children and I am not in need of an intervention. Although, I would be lying if I told you I hadn't considered medication.
PS- today has been a good day or wouldn't have even been able to complete this online whine.
Oh Jill, I wish I could give you a hug. I have been there so often. And yes, my children are perfect mirrors of all my failings. There is a quote that says, in effect, that choosing to have kids is choosing to give up the illusion that you are a nice person. :o) I don't think it is quite that bad, but there have been many days when I wonder.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I don't have great advice, but I can tell you that it does get better as they get a little older. It seems easier to pull back for a millisecond and think, "Do I really need to react strongly to this?" I've also been known to think of myself as "robot mom" and deal with the current situation/mess/disaster like a robot, just doing what needs to be done and ignoring any emotional implications.
One book I read recently that has helped me somewhat with parenting is "Parenting with Love and Logic."
Anyways, enough of my rambling. Hang in there. You're doing great. Crappy moms don't worry about whether they are terrible moms. ;o)
If you actually care about it (which I can see that you do) parenting is the hardest thing you'll ever do. No, your little ones won't remember the crappy stuff you do (but you will). Doing your best is enough. It's okay to ask someone else to care for your kids for a day and go check into a hotel room (I did that once, just slept and slept...), it's okay to ask for help. It's not only okay to have moods, it's necessary. Anything else is a fairy tale lie you don't want to be telling your children.
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